RSD

I’ve struggled my whole life with depression, as I’ve gotten older I found out at least a little about the root causes of it. Part of it was having undiagnosed Autism and untreated ADHD. I was diagnosed in my 20’s but didn’t do fuckall with it until this year. Taking medication has been life changing I have drawn every day since September which is huge for me. Prior to that I would go through giant bursts of creativity followed by, sometimes years-long, periods of idleness.

Part of the depression is just that my brain doesn’t work in the way that allows me to feel happiness for any length of time. I’ve tried antidepressants but they never did much. Just being able to DO things helps with the situational depression most of the time so that all that is left, for the most part, is a lingering feeling of sadness, like an ache from an old wound.

Lately, in spite of doing well in most areas of my life, I have been deeply depressed/anxious. I’ve narrowed down the culprit to RSD.

I lived like a recluse for many years of my adult life, this past year I decided to force myself to interact with people. I started by using voice chat in a game I’ve been playing forever but had to have a drink or two in me to even do that. I’ve been doing that for months now and while talking to people is no longer much of a problem I still struggle with the idea that people actually like/enjoy my company. It’s very hard not to slip into old habits of just not engaging with people and I have been pushing myself to engage more when these feelings kick up.

I am 100% aware that this is an “it’s all in my head” matter but knowing that doesn’t make it actually feel any less painful. It actually just makes me feel very lonely. I don't and won’t tell people I feel this way because I don’t want to put the onus on them. It’s not someone’s job to hold my hand and reassure me that they do actually like me. I am aware that people have their own lives to live and not reaching out to me isn’t necessarily personal. rationally I KNOW that but this very small but very loud part of my brain keeps telling me I’m a burden and that people are just being nice to me but aren’t actually looking for meaningful friendships. It’s so dumb. I get the depression that comes from feeling like a pariah and also depression from knowing that the feeling is part of a chronic illness and not being able to just shut it down.

I’ve tried, and am actively trying, the things that are suggested to deal with RSD but it’s hard. I am hoping that by putting down in text will help me get rid of these feelings even if it’s on a place that no one will see it.

It’s really shitty feeling gutted when you know that the reason is bullshit.